i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
