you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
