AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
