Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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