um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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