you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
