since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
