Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
