I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
please don't ironically join a cult
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