How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.