I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.