I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds