DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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