i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dating After Heartbreak
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.