It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??