At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
