I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
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What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
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Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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