just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
