i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
