look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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