Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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