I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
