First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I touched a dick in church today
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
