everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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