just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
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Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
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Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize