i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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