i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
