if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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