Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
