This dress was meant to end up on your floor
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
