You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
