he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
