i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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