Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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