The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
