you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
