me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
