You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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