why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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