He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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