dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
