you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
