brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
