This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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