I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
