Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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