did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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