I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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