Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
smell my finger.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
