you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
