obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
