Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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