Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
There are leaves in my underwear?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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