dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
