I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
