Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
