he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
