She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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