she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
