I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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