Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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