u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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