he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
